Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
