Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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