Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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