Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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