I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
