What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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