But honestly u used to be a cool guy and lately uve been superame(734): Superlame
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
