Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
