My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
