Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
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