So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
