i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
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