I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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