hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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