I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
