I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
