Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
