i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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