Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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