I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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