she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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