So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
