Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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