I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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