Im at strip club and am horny
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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