I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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