What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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