I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
