Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
