Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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