it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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