i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
