the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I don't think brook has ever known best
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
