he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
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