You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
