textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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