Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
She told me I should be a condom model.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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