I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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