I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
We left an ass print on the piano.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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