I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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