So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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