You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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