Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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