you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
