You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
