He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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