Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
