the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
