Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
