I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
