When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Semen is not good for contacts.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
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