The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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