It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I am mentally ready for anal.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
