I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
